Meltdown

I had a meltdown today. Not a screaming, hitting meltdown. No, I don't have those. Instead, I have crying meltdowns. And boy, did I cry.

Today we had a family confrence in the living room, and it was pure hell. I'll just put it as that. I was terrifed, being ridiculed...
But I love my mother. She understands me so well. She took my undescribable feelings and turned them into words. Through this, I'm clinging onto my mother.

Everything seems calm for now, but I believe that we're in the eye of the storm. It only lasts for a short period of time.

My stepfather doesn't understand - he was sassing off to my mother and me when I tired to explain my feelings. I held the tears in, enduring all of the stinging comments made. But I wasn't allowed to make any to him. Not that I would. But because I am civilized and don't fight, he should act the same way. Once he left the room, I exploded with tears. And he pretended not to hear. My mother had to drag him out into the living room again, and even then he wasn't nice. He didn't speak to me in gentle tones, which my mother snapped at him to do. Women need to be handled with gently, for they are gentle themselves. If handled roughly, they break.

This broke me up inside the most. I couldn't breathe, couldn't blink, couldn't function when he said this. Or rather, did this. When my mother asked him if he wanted to be a stepfather, he didn't say anything for a long time. And finally he sighed and didn't answer the question; he beat around the bush. He did that twice, which really hurt and tore me up inside. After I cried, forgiveness seeped into my heart somehow. And I just forgave. That does not mean that I am fixed, however. I'm still broken. I feel that.

I just want a father who loves me. I don't know what it's like to have a real dad - no, a real family. And I wish that I could. I get so jealous all of the time, looking at my friends and their dads, how they get along, how they love each other... I've been observing this relationship. I've deemed it magical.

Because every girl needs a father. But I've never had one.