Sorry!

I'm sorry for the delay of typing. It's been hectic lately. I'll try to update you guys as much as possible as to what goes on now. Thanks for being patient!

Away

Currently at my grandparent's house, and feeling much better. The eye of the storm has passed and the raging winds and stinging rain is back again. I just had to get out of there.
I'm at peace listening to the soft hum of friendly conversation, and I'm getting rather sleepy. But today wasn't that nice, hence why I left.

When we came into the house today, my mom and Craig were watching Hide and Seek. Since my sister desperately wants to see the movie, my mom let her see a little bit of it. Craig however protesed. Mom ignored his protests and allowed my sister watch about two minutes of TV. All of a sudden Craig lifted up the remote, turned off the TV, and slammed the remote down on the table. No one spoke. My mom turned on the cable and watched HGTV, in which my mother talked about the plain cabinets and the pretty flooring, and Craig just ignored her. I left, digging some items out of my backpack and returned out to the living room. I asked my sister, "You said you'd take a shower right after we got home from school, right?" Craig turned to me, still stretched out on the couch. "When was the last time you took a shower, Jessica?" Craig snapped. My mother was appaled. "Craig, it's not a man's place to ask a girl about feminine hygine!" she told him.
"Oh, so did I cross the line?" he sassed, almost yelling.
"I think you probably did," Mom responded.
Craig got up and yelled, "Fine!" and stormed out of the room. Just seconds later, he emerged from the other room with his keys, almost knocked me down, and stormed out the door. The front door closed with a finalizing bang.
My sister, my mother, and I stood there for a minute. Finally my mom said, "That was uncalled for. He should not have been asking you about your shower habits. That made me uncomfortable, as well as probably you and Julie."
My sister agreed. Honestly, my mind was still sorting itself out. Why had Craig gotten so mad over something so simple? Why couldn't he control his temper? And the most improtant one: What's wrong with me?
He seems alright with Mom sometimes, but he's so cold to me. He gets along with my sister more than he does with me. I just want to be loved. Being ignored and verbally abused is not my definition of love.
So, as I left today to go to my grandparent's house, I said goodbye, and I half-expected them to say goodbye to me. No one did. When I told them I loved them, no response.
My mom was sick, which is understandable, so I excuse her. But there's no excuse for the way Craig acted. Why didn't he say three simple words? How hard is it to say 'I love you', even if you don't mean it? Three syllables. That's it. But not one was spared for me.

Meltdown

I had a meltdown today. Not a screaming, hitting meltdown. No, I don't have those. Instead, I have crying meltdowns. And boy, did I cry.

Today we had a family confrence in the living room, and it was pure hell. I'll just put it as that. I was terrifed, being ridiculed...
But I love my mother. She understands me so well. She took my undescribable feelings and turned them into words. Through this, I'm clinging onto my mother.

Everything seems calm for now, but I believe that we're in the eye of the storm. It only lasts for a short period of time.

My stepfather doesn't understand - he was sassing off to my mother and me when I tired to explain my feelings. I held the tears in, enduring all of the stinging comments made. But I wasn't allowed to make any to him. Not that I would. But because I am civilized and don't fight, he should act the same way. Once he left the room, I exploded with tears. And he pretended not to hear. My mother had to drag him out into the living room again, and even then he wasn't nice. He didn't speak to me in gentle tones, which my mother snapped at him to do. Women need to be handled with gently, for they are gentle themselves. If handled roughly, they break.

This broke me up inside the most. I couldn't breathe, couldn't blink, couldn't function when he said this. Or rather, did this. When my mother asked him if he wanted to be a stepfather, he didn't say anything for a long time. And finally he sighed and didn't answer the question; he beat around the bush. He did that twice, which really hurt and tore me up inside. After I cried, forgiveness seeped into my heart somehow. And I just forgave. That does not mean that I am fixed, however. I'm still broken. I feel that.

I just want a father who loves me. I don't know what it's like to have a real dad - no, a real family. And I wish that I could. I get so jealous all of the time, looking at my friends and their dads, how they get along, how they love each other... I've been observing this relationship. I've deemed it magical.

Because every girl needs a father. But I've never had one.

Confused?

Why is it that I don't know what's going on anymore? Last night when Mom came home, I held my breath. She was going to talk to my stepdad. I desperately tried to distract myself in any way I could - working on homework, blaring Evanescence, even popping on Facebook for a few minutes to play pointless games.

After what seemed like hours, my mom finally emerged. I ran to her, checking if she was alright. She said she was, but that my stepfather, Craig, wanted a divorce. Somehow my heart didn't race like I expected it to, instead it just... beat, as if nothing were wrong.

I hugged my mom and told her how deeply sorry I was. I told her that Craig wouldn't speak to me, let alone look at me. I wondered if he even loved me. My mother explained, "Craig said we could stay until I find an apartment or condo. I told him that he was NOT allowed to kick us out. And we're getting an apartment in this school district. I don't want you going to Warren." At this, I calmed and sat down to eat the makeshift dinnder my mom had made us while she was talking.

I felt relieved. No more fighting, no more coldness from my stepfather, no more 9:00 bedtimes (in which if we go to bed any later he becomes angry)... When I went to sleep, I felt queasy but fell asleep after about an hour or so of tossing and turning.

As my sister and I were getting ready for school this morning, Mom came out to check on us and say good bye, like she always does. When I asked her about the situation, she told me, "He did seem sorry. But that's no excuse for how he's been acting. He's just changed since we've been married." Mom said she didn't know what was going on, or whether they'd still get a divorce, and that she and Craig would talk about it.

So now, I've no clue about what's going on.

Hey guys!

Hey guys.

I'm just an American teenager with dreams - to publish a book, to have a happy family, to have a father... Someday, I hope that those dreams come true. But for now, I've got to live with what I've been given.

They say that everything happens for a reason, but I don't understand why this had to happen. My mom and my step father are getting divorced. This hasn't been the first divorce I've been through - this is actually the second one, the first with my biological father when I was merely four years old. But, this is going to be a really rough time for me, if they do decide to split (which is a mostly definate yes) so I decided to start up a blog, and keep writing.
You see, writing is a way that I release my stress, and it is a common hobby of mine. In fact, I've got a book in the works right now. I can't tell you what it's about, but I can tell you that it's a fiction book for adults and teens.

I'd love to write during this time, and even if I don't get any readers, I'll still be fine. After all, everything does happen for a reason. And you're reading this right now, right?